Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
