Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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