Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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