WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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