I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
