i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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