tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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