You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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