Where are you?
In a non slutty way
if i can run in heels then i can drive
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
