I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
