New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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