I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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