he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
