Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
