we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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