She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
