You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize