im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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