Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
