I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
