HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I'd wear matching sweaters with you
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
