90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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