also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Congratulations! We have a period
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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