I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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