My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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