Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Randomize
