I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
