dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
