you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
