Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Randomize
