Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Randomize
