My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
