You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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