I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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