what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize
