oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
