ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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