i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
