i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
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