if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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