I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
