Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
