when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
