my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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