Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
