i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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