Old men and throwing up are my life now.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
