i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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