Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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