apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
