If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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