took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
