38 yer olds are good kisserssss
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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