Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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