sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
