I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
