Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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