Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
