After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
