i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
