they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Mom said you looked used
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
