can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
