I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
